Saturday, November 30, 2013

Glam Metal / Hair Metal


Glam Metal  http://www.cracked.com/funny-3400-glam-metal/

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Glam Metal, or Hair Metal as it's often called, is a genre of music dedicated to sex, drugs, rock n' roll, and pretty men with long hair wearing a shit load of makeup.

Finnish Glam Punk band Hanoi Rocks: Yes, the blonde one's a dude

Just The Facts

  1. Glam Metal was invented in the 1980s as an extension of British Glam Rock... like every American version of something British, ours is dumber and sluttier
  2. Glam Metal is pop-y, with lyrical content primarily about sex, and occasionally about drugs, or getting in fights.
  3. Glam Metal is generally shunned by fans of other genres of Metal because it's... well yeah.
  4. Glam Metal musicians have been known to get laid more than musicians in any other genre of music.
  5. Glam Metal dudes are the only guys who can get laid by thrusting their hips at a girl and asking if she "wants a ride"
  6. The author of this article thinks glam metal dudes are sexy.
  7. There are three basic looks in glam metal "Glam Pirate" "Glam Cowboy" and to a lesser extent "Glam Biker"
  8. Shiny objects and tits are the easiest way to get a glam metal dude's attention.
  9. Glam Metal is actually really fucking manly, in as much as these dudes did nothing but bang hot chicks, do drugs, and get in fights.

Glam Metal in General

Glam Metal is a genre of heavy metal influenced mainly by glam rock (David Bowie, T. Rex, Roxy Music, The New York Dolls) and the chicago electric blues, and typified by long teased hair, bright or dramatic makeup, flamboyant costumes, showy live performances, and decadence beyond any normal human's wildest imaginings. These guys took the "sex, drugs, and rock n' roll" motto and took it further than it had ever gone before or has ever gone since.
Bands include Poison, Motley Crue, Twisted Sister, Pretty Boy Floyd, Dokken, Kiss, Guns n' Roses, Skid Row, Ratt, Faster Pussy Cat, W.A.S.P (Which might stand for: Without Acronym, sorry people), Van Halen, Danger Danger, Hanoi Rocks (technically glam punk), Cinderella, and many others too numerous to name.
The look usually involves lots of leather, metallic and neon colors, fishnet, spandex, chains, chiffon, leopard print, and occasionally fur. One will often see a lot of men in boots, popular styles being decked out cowboy boots, motorcycle boots, and platform heeled hooker boots. Generally the look is a mixture of slutiness and badassitude that was basically created by putting on all the items of clothing dudes associate with stuff they like at the same time (fishnets, cowboy boots, scarves cause pirates are badass, makeup cause hot chicks wear makeup, and leather cause leather is sexy and badass)
Habits of Glam Dudes
  1. Glam Metal dudes frequently use their boots as pockets, keeping knives, cigarettes, lighters, and lipgloss in there because their pants are too tight for the pockets to be anything more than decorative.
  2. Glam Metal dudes address everybody as: babe, dude, bro, baby, sweetie, darlin' or honey. Unsurprisingly "babe" is a gender neutral form of address. They do this because they're usually too inebriated to remember people's names.
  3. Glam metal's drugs of choice are generally cocaine and alcohol.
  4. Glam dudes are generally a pretty macho bunch, despite spending three hours on their hair. Insult them at your own peril, lugging around amps and having sex constantly means they're usually stronger than they look, and they like to get in fights, and if you lost, seriously imagine the shame, man.
  5. Glam dudes are required to have dated at least one stripper in their life before officially being considered glam dudes. They do this by shopping for clothes at the same places as strippers... or so I suspect.
  6. Glam dudes have an inordinate fondness for bandanas, wearing them as skull caps, head bands, tying them to belt loops, and tourniquet style around their arms. This is because bandanas serve a myriad of purposes to glam dudes, as they can be used to keep rampant hair out of the way, as a tourniquet in preparation to inject heroin, for an impromptu bondage device with a groupie, to absorb the effects of a cocaine induced nose bleed, or to dab away sweat that might otherwise ruin their makeup... also because bandanas remind them of pirates.
In the 80s this was the face of badass.

How The Hell did That Start?

Glam Metal first appeared in the late 70s/early 80s in Los Angeles around the Sunset strip, by such bands as Van Halen, London (the first band of Motley Crue's famously slutty and strung out bass player Nikki Sixx), Kiss, and Quiet Riot, with guys that liked both Led Zepplin and T. Rex... and also liked strippers and cocaine.
After Quiet Riot's record hit the genre became famous, and record companies realized that these guys had hit on some magical formula that both managed to impress teenage boys (songs about sex, blending in with the babes in their music videos) and to make teenage girls swoon (hip thrusting and glitter, teenage girls fucking love glitter)
This formula also worked to get these guys laid like crazy, one musician famously having had sex 4,000 times. This proves that long blonde hair and slutty outfits don't just work for getting male attention, women are just as likely to fall for scantily clad members of the opposite sex with pretty hair.
In any case soon enough plenty of new bands were popping up bringing more pop influence, and taking the look up a notch.
Motley Crue whorin' it up

The Golden Age

In the mid to late 80s glam metal grew to epic proportions because it was accessible and about the world's most relatable subject matter. This was the era when fame allowed even more rampant debauchery than before, and guys in bigger bands could go through thousands of dollars worth of drugs a day, and have an endless parade of groupies advancing through their bedrooms.
Hair got bigger, egos somehow managed to increase, and yet more spandex was added, because why the hell not? Similar genres like Glam Punk (a more cerebral, more political version of glam metal) emerged creating bands like Hanoi Rocks, and Dogs D'amour who sang songs that weren't about sex sometimes, and also liked The Ramones.
In other cases bands like Twisted Sister, and Lizzie Borden took the look to a disturbing drag-queenish extreme, making up in shock value what they lost in sex appeal (and god did they lose in sex appeal).
Twisted Sister: The unholy love child of a drag queen and the monster under your bed
During this period, Motley Crue's vocalist (Vince Neil) and bass player (Nikki Sixx) had a who could go longest without bathing and still fuck groupies contest, which ended when a groupie threw up on Nikki.
More and more bands hopped on the band wagon, leading to bands like White Snake humiliating everyone in later life, and Bon Jovi being momentarily awesome... a moment he never forgot and has been trying to recapture since.
However Dee Snyder being terrifying aside, this era was filled with hard rocking, rampant drug abuse, dudes in makeup, babes in little to no clothing, a complete and utter lack of angsty crap, and guitar solos that showcased both the musical abilities and flexibility of the performer. In other words this era fucking kicked ass.

Later Glam Metal - Modern Glam Metal

In the early to mid nineties glam metal/hair metal bands were still producing plenty of new material, especially bands like Skid Row, Guns N' Roses, and The Bullet Boys, but despite this the genre fell out of favor because men got sick of holding themselves to the same standards of grooming they held for women, and pretending to be deep and sensitive seemed easier, so everyone got into grunge and pretended to care about crap.

Kurt Cobain: The guy who ended the era of constant sex and partying and brought us angst.
Modern Glam Acts
Despite the mainstream death of glam metal, an underground following for it has continued to exist, biding its time until the world wants to party again. Modern bands that follow in the tradition include Dirty Penny, Wildstreet, Veins of Jenna, The Dirrty Angelz, and many more. Somehow, despite these bands being relatively underground, they continue in the tradition of their forebearers having massive numbers of groupies and doing tons of cocaine.

Lyrical Genius in Glam Metal

Glam Metal is "well known" for its "deep and thoughtful" lyrical content... but some lines shine out among the rest, those lines are showcased here.
Lyrics
"Taste the fire, lick the wind" - Poison - Ride The Wind
Not drink the wind, lick the wind, they want you to lick it. To add insult to injury they then go on to repeatedly misuse the phrase "midnight sun" which is only supposed to refer to Alaska... and unless that song is somehow about riding motorcycles through Alaska it makes no goddamn sense, actually even if it were about riding motorcycles through Alaska it wouldn't make any goddamn sense.


"I got my finger in the pie
my hand in the cookie jar
It's Just A Lick And A Promise
In The Back Seat Of My Car" - Motley Crue - Bad Boy Boogie
Crue's grasp of metaphor is so subtle and delicate, it's quite stunning.



"I know a thing or two about -- sweet little sister
Her mama kill her if she knew what she do -- sweet little sister
She'll love ya black and blue -- sweet little sister
Mona Lisa with a new tattoo
She's my sweet little -- sweet little sister" - Skid Row - Sweet Little Sister


What's great here is you have no idea what to focus on, the fact that he's implying his little sister is a whore, the fact that he's implying his little sister is a dominatrix... or the fact that he's implying that both of these facts turn him on.


"We got the fist, the fist of fury
We're fighting for love
We're not giving up," - Wildstreet - We Got The Fist
Am i the only one who thought about fisting here? Seriously?

Glam Metal Style

As stated before there are three basic looks in glam metal, which are "Glam Pirate/Glam Gypsy," "Glam Cowboy," and "Glam Biker/Glam Mercenary." This is because the idea is to basically look like a lawless badass who doesn't play by the rules, including the rules about men not wearing makeup. Admittedly this section is largely an excuse for me to put up pictures of pretty pretty men in makeup.
The Pirate Glam/Gypsy Glam Look
Pirate glam and gypsy glam share a sort of half destroyed decadent look to them, with a lot of sort of frayed and distressed velvet, scarves, and tons of jewelry. Glam dudes like dressing like pirates because pirates are bad-ass, don't play by the rules, collect shiny things (treasure, dubloons, jewels), and also because a quick glance at the romance novel section in any bookstore or by the checkout of a grocery store will tell you that women go nuts for pirates... thus pirate glam. Captain Jack Sparrow bears an uncanny resemblance to a lot of glam metal dudes.

Hanoi Rocks: Glam Pirates

Captain Jack Sparrow: Hm, eyeliner... wild hair... bandana head band...lots of jewelry... open shirt, this all seems strangely familiar.
The Cowboy Glam Look
The cowboy glam look is usually quite brightly colored and glitzy, borrowing elements more from the outfits of country musicians than actual cowboys, heavily embellished cowboy hats and boots, and blinged out belt buckles are usually involved. Glam dudes like cowboys because they're free roamin' badasses in a lawless wild desert, because they wear bandanas, because their boots have a heel and pointed toes, because spurs are shiny, and because much like pirates, women fucking love cowboys.

Nikki Sixx: Glamin' it up cowboy style
The Biker Glam/Mercenary Glam Look
Biker glam and mercenary glam tie in together because they both tend to involve lots of black leather, and often peaked military caps, as well as chains, and more skulls than you'd normally see in glam metal. This works well because glam dudes like leather, shiny things like military decorations, and excuses to wear chaps (See: Cowboy Glam)
Pretty Boy Floyd: Glam Bikers
The "Generally Not Reccomended" Look
There is actually a secret fourth glam metal look which is the "generally not recommended." It goes something like this:
Wasp: Generally not recommended

Groupies: To Compensate the Male Readers

If you didn't enjoy the previous sections, here are some of the babes who dated/slept with glam metal dudes to make up for it.
Susie Hatton: Brett Michael's ex-girlfriend
Pamela Anderson: Tommy Lee's ex-wife
Brandie Brandt: Nikki Sixx's ex-girlfriend
Donna D'errico: Another of Nikki Sixx's ex-girlfriends


Read more: http://www.cracked.com/funny-3400-glam-metal/#ixzz2mCUImxSH
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